It was CIF Water Polo Championships 2003, my Junior Year of High School. We were competing against our long time rival who had beat us a few consecutive years previously. They had the best goalie in the state. We had one of the strongest teams in the nation, but we lacked confidence. We were easily intimidated by our opponent and allowed the psychological fear to weaken our playing ability. This was particularly obvious during this match.
By half-time the score was 1-7: us 1, them 7. I was a scrappy, small, and smart player. My strength was setting everyone else up to succeed. I had the highest number of assists to goals in my county. My weakness, was scoring goals myself. I always focused so much on helping everyone else succeed, that I often failed when it came to succeeding personally. However, during this particular match I was determined to get our score up and none of the heavy shooters were performing. So, I stepped up: when I was given the ball, I lifted it high, let go of it low, and skip shotted into the lower right hand corner. The announcer screamed: GOOOOOOOAAAAAAL! The crowd went wild.
Instantly I yelled at the top of my lungs, "F***!YYYEEESSSS!" while pumping my fist in the air. Today it is still one of the proudest moments of my life, one, because I achieved something that was really important to me and, two, because of how this simple act of confidence inspired my community.
After I scored our second goal of the game, the team's confidence lifted. It was as if they were thinking, "If Anne, the weakest shooter on the team, could score against the best goalie in the state, than we can too." We ended up losing 7-8, a dignified loss. My coach, from my very conservative Catholic school, teased me after the game saying, "Anne, I loved the goal, but not the expletive that rang through the complex after you scored." He hugged me. I knew he felt as proud as I did.
I have always had a natural confidence that I will succeed somehow, even if a bit unconventionally. During my recovery process from sexual abuse, this confidence has carried me through some challenging years. I'm hoping that in sharing my story, in showing my community that I succeeded at something seemingly impossible, that they can do so also. I don't believe that you have to be the strongest or the smartest or the most talented to get through trauma recovery, you just have to believe in yourself, in the future that you want for your life, and to commit to getting better everyday.
I'd like to say that I scored that goal because the shot itself was so strong and so accurate, but it was neither. When I reviewed the video footage after the game, it was clear that I scored that goal because the best goalie in the state wasn't even paying attention. She didn't think I could do it; she didn't think I'd try. Well, try I did and succeed I did.
Many abusers don't think that the people who they victimize will stand up and speak out. They assume that their behavior increased the psychological fear and diminished the confidence and courage of the victim. My story and so many stories of other survivors prove these abusers wrong, provide a different ending to the story. In my ending, the survivor comes out stronger, the survivor can then choose to inspire others to do the same; in my ending the one least expected to shoot, scores.