I went for a dip in the Pacific Ocean a few days ago in order to say goodbye. I've lived less than 10 miles from it for my entire life and consider it home. Raised in Orange County, having pursued undergraduate study in West LA and graduate school in the San Francisco Bay Area, the Pacific Ocean has been a constant in my life. It has a been a source of great comfort, calm, and confidence through these past chaotic, challenging, and crucial years of sexual abuse survival and recovery.
As soon as I felt the cold water caress my skin, I began to weep. The salt water in my tears of sadness, joy, and relief that I now had the opportunity to build a new chapter after so much struggle spilled from my eyes and joined the abundant salt water that covers most of the earth. I fully submerged myself into the icy cold water, whispered "Goodbye, Ocean," and immediately heard its response, "Oh, Annie...I'll see you on the other side."
I'm going to Washington DC for the summer and hoping to end up in Boston for a few years for more graduate study, both cities which nestle against the Atlantic. I don't know the Atlantic Ocean as well, but it's still ocean, it's still the salt water, it's still connected to the sea that played therapist for me for the first 31 years of my life.
As I begin this new journey, what I hope will be my thriving years, I find myself reflecting on my constants: like the ocean, all of the people, places, and pieces of my life that have accompanied me on my journey so far. There has been a lot of letting go up to this point, a lot of processing, a lot of purging. In the midst of the change, the loss, and the deconstruction and reconstruction of my life and identity, there have always been these constants: a deep spirituality that has kept me loved, a psychological firmness that has sustained my focus, a few friends who have stayed by me through it all, a new family who has patiently nourished me through the heartache, the presence of nature which has returned me to myself, and the abundance of beauty that has continued to inspired me. And of course, last but not least, that magnificent body of water that covers 70% of the earth.  Â
As I have sold my belongings, simplified my life, and prepared for this new adventure, I have feared that the people, places, and pieces of my life that I have loved so much up to this point would also be left behind. As I have parted with all of the negative constants that have haunted me throughout the years: the incest, the insecurities, and the illness, I have feared that the positive constants would wash away with them. And yet, as I have engaged all of my lovely constants, voiced my concern about losing them as I transform my life and my being into something new, they have all gently reassured me otherwise like the ocean did, "Oh, Annie...we'll see you on the other side."
I'm very much looking forward to our reintroduction. Thank you for your constancy throughout my past, thank you for your commitment to my future.
---
Photo Credits: