I hesitated. He was close to me. He ask me to get down on one knee and to lean in. My eyes were closed. I was shaking in fear. But I did as I was told: I got down on one knee, leaned in, rolled over, opened my arms, and bent my knees. I was flying!
It took a lot of courage to jump out of a plane. It was something that I had always wanted to do and was always afraid to do. There was so much risk: trusting a stranger, experiencing flight, hoping the parachute opened, landing where I was supposed to on my own two feet. But this one day over the Santa Barbara mountains, my friend and I built up the courage and decided to take the risk together. The fear and anxiety before the jump were nearly debilitating. So, when it was time to fly, I hesitated. I just knelt there with one foot at the bottom of an open door with all the world available below me. All I had to do was lean in.
It takes a lot of courage to let go of things not meant for me, but it takes even more courage to believe that there’s something better on the other side. This has by far been my greatest challenge in the recovery process. My brain has been wired to believe that what might go wrong will go wrong, that I’m unsafe, that men are violent, that I’m not allowed to be happy, to live a colorful life, to use my voice, to communicate my needs, to pursue my dreams. I have let go of all of the people who wired my brain that way. But when it's time to believe that I am so much more than the way that I was treated, that I can have better, that I can have more, I still find myself hesitating. I still feel stuck in the survival and recovery processes. When all I have to do is lean in.
Sheryl Sandberg, the COO of Facebook, wrote a book for women called, Lean In, which empowers them to lean into their careers by advocating for leadership positions and higher salaries. I want to broaden this message by encouraging all, women and men alike, to lean into our best selves, into our best lives. We all deserve to live a life of flight, to endlessly explore and expand our horizons, to really experience what it means to thrive. I don't know what that life looks like for you and I'm still learning what that life looks like for me, but I have a few leanings: to love myself unconditionally, to accept my past and integrate it into my present creatively and courageously, to live near the water and close to loved ones, to sit in the sun as frequently as possible, and to find a way to support my financial needs that’s also enjoyable.
When I was at that door, on one knee, my friend who was ready to jump next screamed in my ear, "You got this, Annie! You can do this!" With a lot of courage and a little encouragement, I finally did, I finally leaned in. The experience was incredible: seeing the world from a bird’s eye view, falling fast and free, uninhibitedly screaming out loud. I felt so alive. My friend soon followed.
I have since been sky diving one other time. Although I don't see myself skydiving ever again, I hope that I will continue to find the courage to explore what it means to lean into my best self and into my best life, to receive other's encouragement when I hesitate to do so, and to empower them to take the next leap.