DAYS: Healing Moments

DAY 1

It was a winter wonderland. I was sitting on a chair lift, skis bound to my feet, observing the green trees, the white snow, the brown mountain peaks, and the blue sky. The clouds disappeared below me, as the sun revealed itself above. It was cold outside, but I was warm in my numerous layers of neon clothing. My possibilities were endless. My view was clear, my direction defined. I was fearless, ready to rush down the exciting slopes below me. 

Sitting next to me was a man who has provided for my life, worked hard for my future, gifted me with the ability to go on ski trips such as this one. He pulled out a flask filled with Jägermeister, and as was tradition, took a long swig and handed it to me. It ran smooth down my throat and made me feel warm and tingly from the inside out. 

Annie Dillard, a famous writer, calls this Day 1. The day that one experiences the beauty of the world and is captivated by its glory. Brené Brown, a famous researcher, calls this Day 1. The first day of the hero's journey, where one chooses her mission confidently. This represented my Day 1.  

DAY 2

Not soon after the magnificence of the moment above, I was looking below at a run much too steep and too slippery for my skiing ability. I had very little confidence that I could turn without falling. If I did fall, I couldn't anticipate when I'd stop sliding or if I'd get hurt as I tumbled from point A to point B. So, I just stood there, paralyzed in fear. The way down seemed impossible.

Below me was the same man. He had pushed me passed my limits my entire life and this was no exception. He had chosen this slope because this was where he wanted to go and he always needed companionship. This was also the man who had sexually abused me throughout my childhood. He was growing impatient. "Annie, there's only one way down," he proclaimed. I saw my direction, but didn't want to choose it. I didn't believe it was possible. The work and risk to get from point A to point B was too strong. I needed more time. I asked him to go along ahead so that I could find my confidence without the pressure of his impatience, but I felt afraid.

Annie Dillard calls this Day 2. The day that one experiences life's pain, the inability to process and respond to the terrible things that occur that are completely out of one's control. Rape, suicide, war, natural disasters, all contribute to the trauma of this day. Brené Brown calls this Day 2. The second day of the hero's journey, where one begins to understand the challenges that she must courageously confront in order to achieve her mission, but doubts her ability to actually do so. This represented my Day 2.

DAY 3

I was alone now, the cold of the air seeping into my clothing. I knew I couldn't stay on the top of that beautiful mountain afraid for much longer. "There's only one way down," I thought to myself. I planted my pole hard and deep into the snow just below me and made a swift right turn around it. I stopped, took a deep breath, I didn't fall. I planted my pole hard and deep again and made a swift left turn around it. I stopped, relieved. Again, I didn't fall. I repeated this process over and over and over again. My legs ached, my body shook, my brain sorted through the slide deck of disastrous possibilities as I attempted every new turn, but I stayed focused on the rhythm of my movement: plant, turn, breathe, plant, turn, breathe. 

I stopped for a moment and looked up. My surroundings were still stunning. I saw all that I had accomplished. I stopped for a moment and looked down. I still had so far to go. "There's only one way down," the words of the provider and the perpetrator rang in my head as I continued to plant, turn, and breathe my way down this steep and slippery slope. Eventually I arrived to the bottom, relieved at the confidence, courage, and capacity built from this experience. 

Annie Dillard calls this Day 3. The day one learns to integrate the seemingly impossible: to accept the beauty and the horror of the world and live with both of them. To understand that the challenge and magnificence of the mountain are one and the same; that the providing man and perpetrating monster are also one and the same. The day one chooses to keep moving throughout the best and worst experiences and decides to contribute in anyway that she can. Brené Brown calls this Day 3. The third day of the hero's journey, where one returns home victorious and full of confidence, courage, and capacity, but fatigued from what the experience put her through. This represented my Day 3. 

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At the beginning of my recovery process from sexual abuse, I felt ready and willing. I confidently created boundaries from my family, rushed into therapy, and began listening to my body around the need for rest and rejuvenation. I was so certain that I would heal quickly and come out the other side stronger. I was going to be the hero of my own story. Recovery seemed possible. Day 1.

Throughout the recovery process, I have doubted my personal capacity and my body and brain's ability to recover. I am still recovering and it has been more than ten years since that first day that I decided to break the cycle of abuse in my family. I didn't choose to come to the top of this mountain, but nevertheless was forced to find my way down. My heroic will was waning. Managing a life while working through the PTSD, anxiety, depression, and fatigue seemed impossible. Day 2.

But daily, I have reminded myself that there is indeed only one way down: and that is to plant myself in my goals, to turn my life in my chosen direction, and to breathe through the pain. The PTSD slowed me down, but never disabled me. The fatigue threatened my balance, but I never fell. The doubt chilled through my being, but the warmth of my belief kept me going down. The possibilities of recovery have revealed themselves to me everyday. Day 3.

Today, I am nearing the bottom of that seemingly impossible mountain asking myself what's next. I could take off my skis, find the best brewery in town and sit the by the fire with something hot, while I stare at the mountain that I just mastered. Or, I could find my way back up the top, meet people on the slopes who are just as afraid as I was, and coach them to plant, to turn, and to breathe until they too find themselves at the bottom of that seemingly impossible hill. 

My brain wants to choose one or the other: keep me solely in Day 1, at the brewery, where life is grand and I am proud; or, solely in Day 2, where I am constantly struggling to help others come down that steep and slippery slope. But like Annie Dillard and Brené Brown seek to teach me through their 3 day life structure, the reality is that I can do both. I can go back up that mountain, enjoy the beautiful view, and continue to struggle with others as we make our way down. I can also sit at the bottom of that hill, with a warm beverage, and a community of heroes as we toast to making the impossible possible.      

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Photo Credits:

1. Chairlift