We were making quite a scene jumping up and down naked in the women’s locker room. My roommate and I had just gone for a swim and were changing when I answered a phone call. “Anne?” The Vice Principle questioned. “Yes, this is her.” I nervously replied. “I wanted to share with you that you did an awesome job in your teaching interview. I would like to offer you the position of Teacher and Campus Minister.” Completely nude, I turned to my roommate, gave her a thumbs up and we both started silently jumping up and down as I replied, “Thank you! This is a dream come true. I accept!” I hung up the phone, screamed out loud, and embraced my roommate with a big, bare skinned hug.
Dreaming has always been a great pastime of mine. I was a child with a vivid imagination and built worlds for myself in my head. This turned out to be a helpful coping mechanism growing up in an abusive household. Although a safe, loving environment didn’t exist in my external reality, it was alive and well in my internal world. At the moment I was offered that job, I knew that this was my time. It was my time to create that safe and loving environment that I had always dreamed for myself. I could finally have what I wanted.
It can be challenging for sexual abuse survivors to dream about the future and believe that those dreams can be fulfilled. Often, we are so overwhelmed by the responsibilities of today that the thought of tomorrow isn’t addressed. Often, we have so little confidence that we can even survive, that dreams of the future are disregarded as pointless. Often, we are so devoted to caring for the needs of our abusers, that we never learn how to acknowledge and prioritize our own needs and desires.
When I was offered my first job out of school, I finally started dreaming for myself. I finally had the freedom to start a life of my own. I designed my first apartment, attended my first ballet, went paddle boarding for the first time, shared meals with friends, and invested in my mental, spiritual, and physical well-being. As more and more of my dreams came true, new ones developed: I worked in art and design, I moved to the water, I attracted a more diverse community. And as those dreams came true, even more surfaced: to sustain a life living in SF, to write and get paid to do it, to create space for further rest and recovery. When I said yes to that job, I was also saying yes to myself, yes to my future, yes to the fufillment of my dreams, and yes to the birth of many more. I’m excited to keep dreaming and keep watching as my dreams come true.