I was sitting across a round, four seater table in an old colonial mansion on Christmas with a former farmer from Iowa. I listened intently as he spoke to me so eloquently about love. More specifically, about falling at first sight and then developing a life long partnership. He has been married for over thirty years.
I have never fallen for the idea of love. The possibility of finding a life partner for me has always been bleak. The partnerships that I was raised around were so dysfunctional and abusive that I swore to myself at a very young age that I would never need to partner with anyone. In my past thirty-one years, I have had romantic flings here and there, but have spent most of my life alone.
I have suffered from loneliness at times, but for the most part would say that I'm content being alone. Fiercely independent, I like the freedom to do my own thing, to follow my passions and pleasures, and to seek guidance but not dependence from others. My friendships and self-created family system have kept me fulfilled socially. So, lately, I have asked myself if I even need or want a partner.
When I expressed this to this thirty-year married former farmer, he looked at me with complete surprise and responded, "Anne, you know that love at first sight exists right?" I laughed skeptically and said, "No, please, tell me about it!" He replied, "Well, it's happened me twice in my life: once, when I was in the sixth grade, and, the second when I met my wife. I just knew. I just knew that I was in love the moment that I saw her."
The possibility of love, if ever real for me, is very rational. It's not just a feeling or an attraction, but also a set of characteristics: will you be a loyal partner, will you help me sustain a responsible life, will you be a good father, do you like to be active, etc.? Coming from a home of sexual abuse, my brain sees red flags and cuts off possibility rather quickly. The idea of love at first site is illogical or at least unsustainable for a lifetime. I have never let myself fall for it. So, I challenged him, "OK, but how do you sustain a love like that? A moment doesn't define a life."
He answered my dubious question with an analogy about animals (as a former farmer this seemed appropriate), "Anne, dogs will always be submissive to their masters; Cats will always believe their masters are submissive to them; but pigs, pigs will always treat you as an equal, they will always be your partner." He learned this through the personal experience of having received a pet pig for Christmas one year and happily partnering with it for the rest of his childhood. This partnership was imperative to the development and success of a lifelong love.
So, what I learned from this conversation was that love at first site is real and that I need to marry a pig, or at least a man like a pig! Apparently, equating misbehaving men to pigs is completely incorrect, as pigs are actually loyal, equal, intelligent, and extremely clean. This former farmer was reminding me at Christmas dinner that love, yes, is logical: it requires care, commitment, and constant companionship; but it is also magical. There is a serendipitous nature to love that is felt not just understood. In order to receive this kind of love, however, I must believe in it. I can spend a lifetime content alone, or, I can partner with my own personal pig and experience true happiness.
What I came away thinking from that lovely conversation at the round four seater table, is that maybe, just maybe a lifetime of magical love is possible for me. But more importantly, that I know now what to look for: a man who has the characteristics of a pig, or maybe just a man who shares the devotion, love, and wisdom of this lovely former farmer who gifted me with a delicious dinner, a place to rest my head, and an even better conversation for Christmas.
I don't know what is to come for my thirty-second year of life in 2018, but maybe I'll see it, maybe I'll feel it, maybe I'll know it- maybe I'll finally let myself fall for it-Â that love at first sight thing that apparently can last a lifetime.
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Photo credits:
1. Pig & Heart