By: Katie
I am an incest abuse survivor. When I told my family about the abuse, they refused to hold my perpetrator accountable. I have been in and out of treatment centers for an eating disorder as a result of my trauma.
I am also a mother of two kids under the age of 5. My kids are the light of my world and the biggest challenges as well. I often feel unworthy of raising two little humans that will go out and make their own ripples in the world. I want so badly to give them what I didn’t have as a child. I struggle balancing honoring and healing my own inner child and giving them all they need to not have a childhood they need healing from or a confusing adolescence like I had. It’s hard work, but it’s also very rewarding. Childlike innocence and play is such a beautiful thing. I don’t always get it right but I love them fiercely.
My kids recently did a treasure hunt that my husband put together where they found “real” pirate treasure: a bunch of dollar coins. It was like they won the lottery, they were so excited. The day after this treasure hunt I put on this long locket necklace that I have. It opens up and has pictures of my kids in it on both sides. My son asked me, “What’s that necklace?” I said, “Oh, I have the biggest treasure in the whole entire world in there.” He was excited and curious. I said open the locket. He opened it and said, “That’s me in the picture!“ He had the biggest smile on his face and hugged me.
This morning when he was getting out of the car to go to school, he turned to me and said. “Mama, your my biggest treasure.” I smiled at him and replied, “I love you.“ But instantly I started crying because I don’t actually believe that to be true. In moments I feel worthless, defeated, lonely, broken.
I want to be so much more for my kids. I want to believe I’m a treasure, because I know to them I am, even though I don’t I believe it for myself. I want to value myself the way my kids value me. I am their world, they see me in this beautiful perspective of innocence and love. They don’t care about the messy house or my appearances, they just want to play and be with me.
Mother’s Day approaches and brings up a lot for me. I often feel like a child who wishes she could run to her Mama and have her kiss all my ouchies, hug me and make everything better by telling me it’s OK, it’ll all be ok, she’s there with me. And the mama bear that comes out and fights anyone who dares try to hurt her precious cubs. I yearn for the touch of stability, shelter and belonging. I carry the pain of not having that from my own mother. Many moments of feeling like an orphan with no clan to run to has left me feeling very alone in this world. Betrayed by own kind.
But then I pause, breathe and put my hand on my heart. Who are our own kind really? They are the people who support and love us just as we are. Not the ones that want to cage us and beat us into psychological submission of their liking while denying our true selves. We get to choose our own families, they don’t have to be the ones we were born into.
I think people can learn a lot from children. They laugh, cry and scream when they want to. They say what’s in their heads, they dance and don’t care how silly they look. They ask for what they want. It’s the world that then teaches them to be embarrassed of who they are or what they do.
So in honor of Mother’s Day, I remind myself to honor my own inner child and inner mother by giving her what she wants: kissing those ouchies herself, snuggling up with a teddy bear, laughing, crying, screaming, asking for what she wants, and dancing like I don’t care what people think.
I want to value myself like my kids value me. For I am a treasure, as are they, as you are. When I was gone for treatment for my mental health struggles my kids FaceTimed me. They would smile and blow kisses and hug themselves and tell me, “Mama, we are sending you air hugs and air kisses.” Their sweet, innocent love melted my heart.
To anyone out there struggling on Mother’s Day, I want to tell you I am so deeply sorry for your pain, I hold space from afar for any and all darkness. And I send air kisses and air hugs for all your ouchies. As a mama bear, I want to tell you that I am angry for you that anyone hurt you, and with the compassionate warmth of a mother, I want to reassure that you will indeed be OK. I’m proud of you, you survived and you will continue surviving, and then you will thrive. Honor your inner children. Cradle them and keep being you. You are good just as you are, all the parts of you. You aren’t broken, you are wounded, and wounds heal.
Our love is stronger than their darkness. And you my dear, are loved.