By Shirkydra Roberts
My name is Shirkydra Roberts, I am 28 years old and I am a VICTOR of child molestation. I was first molested at the age of 5 and it continued on until around the age of 14. I felt like many victims do: hopeless, lifeless, purposeless, alone, abandoned, shameful, unworthy, and so many other emotions. While I was going through this season of my life, I started to look for another pain that would submerge the emotions and thoughts that were constantly screaming at me in my head. I remember standing in my bathroom, looking in the mirror with a razor in my right hand thinking that maybe if I go, I would get my mother’s attention. I remember talking to myself, “Kydra, you’d be better off dead.”
I knew that I didn’t want to die and spiritually I didn’t believe in suicide as an option, but those were my thoughts. Instead, I started cutting myself. I inflicted a physical pain that could have killed me in order to subdue the pain that I felt was killing me in the moment. Eventually, after realizing that the cutting was becoming a reminder of my experience, I stopped. The wounds from cutting myself were only a reflection of the pain that I was carrying inside. At the time, it was not just me knowing about my pain, but other people were exposed because the cuts were visible. I was re-victimizing myself without recognizing it.
Like most traumatic experiences, my victimizers were within my household which made life that much harder for me. I developed trust issues, love issues, and I lacked the ability to love myself. As I got older, I searched in the wrong people and in the wrong places for approval because I was empty inside. I looked for the world to validate me and approve of me because I didn’t approve of me. I was scared and I was wounded.
People don’t realize the multilayers that come with being sexually abused. It’s not just about what happened, but it’s about what it does to us mentally. The experience eventually stopped, but the thoughts, the PTSD, the fear, and the anxiety kept going.
One day I woke up and I looked in the mirror and told myself, “It’s time”. It was time to stop the lies, stop the running, and stop the portrayal of being OK. I called my mother one day and I told her everything that had happened to me. I did this at the age of 25. I had 20 years that was bottled up inside of me that I had to let out, but didn’t know how to get it all out. This was the day that my pain started to shift into my purpose. I found my voice. I was not healed or delivered, and I wasn’t finished fighting, but I took the first step: I voiced my pain! Keeping everything a secret made things that much harder and it kept me in a prison within myself. I realized that I had the keys to my own chains. I realized that I could set myself free by embracing and telling my truth.
Next, I faced my victimizer with a compassionate heart. He was very empathetic and apologized for what he had done to me. He apologized for the experience and the mental impact that it has taken on my life. He let me cry, scream, and blame him for all of the anxiety, fear, and failed relationships that I had experienced. I was able to ask the tough questions to find my truth. I was able to break free one chain at a time. After I was able to take care of me, I learned that he was molested as a kid by his family members. He too was a victim. Of course, that was no excuse, but I realized how unhealed people can inflict pain on innocent people. We can also hurt people in our own way if we refuse to heal or we fear taking steps towards healing.
Forgiveness is one of the major steps that takes some soul searching to get to, but it’s part of the process. In my healing, I learned that hurt people, hurt people when they are not healed within themselves. I learned about generational curses that go from one generation to the next until someone stands up and says, “STOP! NO MORE!” It took a lot for me to get to where I am today, but I take new steps daily. I refuse to stay in the box that my experience put me in. I am a voice for those who were or are where I was, suffering in silence.
Yes, sexual abuse happened to me, but it will not become me. I have purpose. I am strong, beautiful, fearfully and wonderfully made, and I am clothed in wisdom. I now use my story to lift others up in times of fear. I use my story to show other victims that they too are victorious over their situations. The healing path is not easy, and it does not happen overnight, but it has to happen.
I hope this encourages anyone who has gone through any form of abuse or trauma. The world is not over and your life is not over either. I learned how to channel my pain to reframe it into my purpose. I used what I went through to serve me, instead of allowing what I went through to continue to use me. I have freedom now, and my voice will be heard. Speak out, speak up, and speak your truth! Turn your pain into purpose today and walk in a new light.
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Shirkydra Roberts is the CEO and Founder of I.A.M.E. (Impact,Aspire,Motivate Enterprises) which is the platform that she uses as a Motivational Speaker and Life Coach. She coaches people on how to get through traumas, challenges, and trials in order to walk out their purpose, gift, and callings in life. She holds people accountable on their day to day goals so that they are successful in all endeavors. She will help you reframe your pain to turn it into part of your purpose. Here is her site to get in contact with her: www.impactaspiremotivate.com.