By: Kate Emily Brinly
Recently a woman who I was quite fond of and dating, broke up with me. One of her main reasons was that I was “fused to my trauma“ and “talked too much about trauma.” It was difficult to take yet another human connection I shared ending, more compounded waves of grief and loss (as if the universe hasn’t thrown me enough?) and also having to relearn to sit quietly in my dignified yet at times, excruciating loneliness.
It made me reflect on who am I, why am I here, what types of human connections do I deserve, what’s my vocation in life, where do I want to be in the future? Am I fused to my trauma, do I talk about trauma too much?
I am a survivor of complex trauma: sexual, emotional and psychological abuse was perpetrated against me by others, against my will. Five psychotic breakdowns, mania, depression, suicidal despair, crippling anxiety, the voices, the unusual beliefs, the overwhelmingly loud, intrusive and persistent inner critic, the dissociation, the sacrifices, the denial, the rage, the worry, the night terrors, the debilitating somatic manifestations, the heartbreak, the abandonment, the exhaustion, the chronic pain, the shame, the fear of death and of the unknown, the years and years of extreme states of distress, the suicide attempt - how did I get through it, how did I survive and be where I am today in many ways thriving?
I’ve always been a truth seeker. I’ve always wanted to live in truth, I’ve always been curious about my own inner truth and have always felt a desire to honour it. I started to notice that people around me, though they were “functional” by society’s standards, were actually “split off” from the truth. I started to look closely into their eyes and could see that there was a part of them “not here.” That was a huge awakening for me. I made a commitment to myself: “I face the truth, I speak my truth and I surround myself with truth seekers.” I don’t compromise on that. I am here now grounded in my body, grounded in my truth and no one can ever take that away from me again.
Boundaries— I am proud to say I have such strong boundaries. It took me two decades, but I’ve relearnt them, restructured them and reasserted them after they were completely shattered as a child: my ego boundaries and my physical, sexual boundaries - shattered. I have strong boundaries about who I allow into my life, who I give my precious energy to and also who I work for. I admit I’m a little ruthless on this.
I had a friend who when I asked, “Do you believe me that I was sexually abused as a child?“ Her reply was, “I believe you that you believe you were sexually abused as a child.” That person is no longer in my life. Another friend told me via a typed letter (to end our 20 year friendship) that she had informed her children that I was unstable and unwell and she alluded that it had been such hard work her supporting me all those years through my allegations of abuse when in fact her view was that I was never actually abused. I partly laughed through the tears at this one as I’m employed permanently as a Peer Worker by two hospitals and work all day alongside clinicians whose main job it is is to do mental state examinations and psychiatric assessments. That person is no longer in my life. Or then there was the family member who I was closest too who screamed at me with a psychotic look on her face, “You’re a liar! This is all in your head nothing ever happened to you.” That person is also no longer in my life.
Weirdly a tactic of covert narcissistic abuse is to turn it around and portray and propagate within the surrounding community that the survivor was never abused and that the survivor is actually an abuser. I’ve had to do so much shadow work with therapists to work on my own dark side, to know where my boundaries and responsibilities are and where they end and where others start, to know what’s mine and what’s others. This has been a long and painstaking process that I have embraced and I’m so grateful to all the therapists who have assisted me in this sacred shadow work process.
From this place I know that I don’t do invalidation and I don’t do toxic dynamics. Those people invalidated my suffering and tried to oppress me further because they also invalidate their own suffering and are threatened by the truth. They “split off“ in order to “fit in.” But that’s their problem to deal with and carry it’s not mine because I have strong boundaries. In my work now I get to offer true validation to clients and participants everyday, a gift of my post traumatic growth. I look them in the eye, and it’s me, I’m all here present for them aligned in my head, heart and body - able to sit with and be with their truth.
I’ve had to be willing and committed to getting informed and getting the right help long term and ongoing. I’ve had a privileged education and access to the world wide web and I have a duty to use that with responsibility and to be of service to others who are suffering. I’m always learning new skills, modalities, discoveries in the field of trauma recovery and implementing them in my own life as well as in the work I do. I practice self care as an integrated part of my lifestyle and I invest a lot of my spare time in personal development and self reflective practice.
During my extreme states, I worked with some brilliant transpersonal therapists who guided me through and helped me to see that there is something larger than myself at work, something larger than my suffering and if I surrender to that, to all that is, trust and have faith in this process, I will be guided by my intuition and I will make a positive difference.
I wanted to give up on all my earthy responsibilities and live out my days in an ashram or buddhist nunnery in India. I wanted that so badly, to run away and not face all my fears about why I am here, what I need to do. I wanted to Zen out and forget about the rest of the world. I have consciously chosen the middle way, to stay in society, to work from within the system, to be myself no matter what and to work with other trauma survivors in both the public service and privately. I have chosen to build relationships and spread the message of hope that recovery is possible for all of us complex trauma survivors.
Following this path of genuineness and authenticity can at times feel lonely and some days I’m plagued with self doubt and concern for my future stability. I yearn for true love in this life to make all the suffering feel some what worth it. I also deeply mourn that I’m no longer in the fold or inside the pale of a blood family system. Yet I have this delicious space in my life from the choices I’ve made, to honour myself, my traumas, my gifts, my dreams and visions, to honour other survivors. A space where I can create, be in contact with my true self and wait patiently to welcome new and magical people into my life. A space to appreciate the beautiful and worthy people who I have attracted into my life and who have attracted me into their lives. People who understand that complex trauma sticks to our souls and is a part of who we are, not all of who we are. That the more we integrate our traumas and honour our life path, the more we can flow with life and enjoy the rollercoaster ride for what it is - a ride.
This sometimes involves acknowledging and being conscious of our traumas, talking, feeling and processing them, so we can move through and release - and still there’s always another layer of depth to go. It’s okay to talk about our traumas, to tell our story when we need to with the right people in the right way. It’s normal to want to do that - to seek to be understood and to understand, so that ultimately we can grow and thrive together within a community of safety and belonging.
And anyways, I can always change my surname and never talk about trauma again. One day I may chose to do that - but I’m currently enjoying this ride way to much to even contemplate that possibility.
Kate Brinly is a survivor of complex trauma who passionately believes that recovery is possible for us all. Kate works as a Peer Worker in Community Mental Health facilitating groups and doing one on one work and in an advocacy role on an inpatient psychiatric unit as a Consumer Consultant. She also runs a coaching and consultancy business called Each Person Counts specializing in coaching for people who have been labelled as having Borderline Personality Disorder. Kate has a series of youtube clips and free information on how to regulate our extreme states of distress so that we can learn to grow and thrive in life.