He walked into the showroom. My knees went weak. He was 5'11", toned with olive skin, and wearing very fitted clothing. I rarely swoon over an attractive man, but for him, I couldn't help myself. So swwwwooooooonnnn I did! My colleagues noticed my immediate attraction and encouraged me to work with him. "Hi," I said, my voice shaking a little. "Hi," he replied, "My name's Dan." Like a big dork I responded over enthusiastically, "Dan? My name's Anne! Our names rhyme." He smirked.
He wanted to buy a very expensive chair. My thought, "He was cute, successful, had good taste, AND would contribute to my mostly commission based pay check? YES!" I decided to provide him with excellent customer service. We worked together for the next few weeks picking out the perfect upholstery, visiting his apartment to confirm the chair would look good, flirting the entire time. Everyday I went to work excited that he might walk back into that door with his olive skin and tight pants. He bought the chair and I felt disappointed because that seemed to be that.
One night a few weeks after the sale, I was spending an evening in bed swiping left or right on my online dating site, when I happened upon HIS profile! We were matched online! Quickly, I swiped right. Almost immediately I received a message in my inbox, "Hey, Anne! It's Dan. So funny to see you on here!" "Hey Dan!" I replied. He responded, "I'm embarrassed to ask you this, but now that I know you're single, would you be interested in going on a date?" Again, knees weak, "Why are you embarrassed? Of course, I would!" "Well, I had every opportunity to ask you out in person but I failed because I was intimidated by you. You're really pretty." He thinks I'm pretty! Swwwoooonnnn again. So we went out on a first date.
Dating as a childhood incest survivor is always uncomfortable in the beginning. Managing generally normal first date conversations without going too deep too fast is nearly impossible: so where are you from? Is your family still there? Are you going home for Thanksgiving? Adding to the awkwardness was the ironic fact that I was a 29 year old virgin. I know, I'm embarrassed to admit it, but it's true. I had never chosen to have sex.
Victims of sexual abuse choose to manage their sexual expression differently. I chose the risk free, Catholic approved, conservative route by saving myself until marriage for the first 24 years of my life. By the time I felt ready to actually have sex and drop the Catholic abstinence routine, I dated a variety of men who didn't want to have sex with me: one thought it was immoral before marriage, another had also been abused and couldn't participate in healthy sexual expression. Obviously, this was Karma: for all of the times that I made men wait, now I had to wait. Well five years later I met Dan and I didn't want to wait anymore. I was ready.
Eventually, we dove into the awkward and challenging conversation that, one, I was an incest abuse survivor, and two, that I had never actually had sex by choice. Dan was abuse free and VERY sexually active. Surprisingly, he didn't mind that I had been abused, but he also didn't want to be my first. By this time, we had decided that we were just going to date casually and he didn't want my first experience to be casual. Frankly, I didn't really want my first experience to be casual either. I had waited 29 years after all; I wanted my first time to be epic!
Finally, I decided that I didn't care about casual. This was my choice and my body and I was ready. So, we had sex. AND IT WAS EPIC. He was gentle and concerned and kind. He let me be in control and explore all that I wanted. At one point he said to me, "Anne, we don't have to try EVERY position the first time." But I was determined! After all, I had to make up for lost time!
I wasn't triggered once. I remember thinking, "This is what sex is supposed to be like: fun, consensual, caring." It was a wonderful first experience. We decided to stop seeing each other soon after, but I will always remember him as my first safe experience with sex.
Since then, I'm proud to say that I've had a few other sexual experiences with safe partners. I'm still shy when it comes to dating and picky, so am single for now. I'm happy. Happy that I reclaimed my sexuality as mine, my body as mine, my first time as mine. It wasn't special in the way that I imagined it would be, but was special in so many ways that I didn't expect.
Now, when I date other men, I still have to have the awkward incest survivor conversation, but don't have to have the I'm still a virgin at 31 conversation. It looks like I caught up pretty quick (said while patting myself on the back)!