He gave me a key and with it the freedom to enter whenever I wanted. Suddenly, silence was readily available to me. I used to go nearly every night. I would lay down on the floor and just listen. Not to the outside world, here that noise was silenced, but to my internal world. As my brain began to understand that it was safe, feelings and thoughts surfaced faster than I could manage. They were loud. And so, I would go to the campus chapel where all was silent, lay there, and listen to all of my internal noise. That chapel key helped to unlock all the stories held tight within my chest.
Before this moment, my external world was loud and my internal silence crucial to my survival. It was my super power. I held the secrets, the sounds, the shame of the abuse all within me. Speaking was dangerous. I was threatened by my abusers, told that ending my silence could have also ended my life or the lives of my loved ones. So, I used silence to protect us. As I grew older, my silence became my reality in that I couldn't even remember what had happened. My brain literally went silent. So, these moments in the chapel became sacred to me. There the loud external world suddenly became quiet and I finally had the freedom to end the internal silence, to listen and to understand myself, and eventually to speak.
The timing and process of ending one's silence is different for all survivors. I am proud that I have a community who has received the end of my silence so gracefully, patiently listen to my words and process as they were unlocked from my psyche. I hope that our society begins to listen to the pent up noise that us survivors have held onto for too long. I hope that the information provided will inspire change that will keep future generations safe from sexual violence. This is the key for all of us to be assured of a safe and happy future.
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Photo credits:
1. SilenceÂ
2. Chapel