I was heartbroken. The love of my life had decided to stop loving me. I was only 17. I remember going to church that Sunday annoyed at myself because I had spent the previous Sundays at this same church crying throughout the ceremony. I had drawn lots of uncomfortable attention. So, this particular Sunday I was hesitant to even arrive, but I was also in desperate need of some inspiration.
I felt so lost, so unloved, so alone, so confused about how to move forward. Well, sitting in that pew I had clearly decided to show up. I waited tearfully as the mass was about to begin. Much to my surprise, this Sunday a former broadway performer was hired to cantor. His booming and brilliant voice expanded through the building's walls. I was mesmerized by his art, distracted for a mere moment from my pain. Then I began to listen to the lyrics, "Then sings my soul [...]. How great thou art. How great thou art."
This moment felt like a message. All that I heard over and over throughout the song, was this brilliant man proclaiming to me, "How great though art!" This message directly countered the message that I was receiving from my boyfriend, which was that I wasn't great enough to continue the relationship. I cried profusely as my pain shifted. Suddenly, I began to understand that my boyfriend's choice to break up with me was a reflection of who he was, not a reflection of who I was. I, in fact, was great.
I am reminded of this message within my recovery process from sexual trauma. Throughout my development, I formulated an identity as a victim of violence. My perception of myself being that I was ugly, weak, worthy of abuse, and ashamed for my inability to respond or to control my circumstances. As I reflect on my experiences as an adult, I understand that the way I was treated is a reflection of my abusers, not of myself. Daily, I reteach my brain to think of myself as beautiful, as strong, as worthy of love and fulfillment, as self-controlled and appropriately responsive. I am lucky to have so many people in my life who affirm this list of characteristics in me daily.
I have received many other messages at just the appropriate time like I did this one Sunday back when I was 17 and broken hearted. I spent 10 years deeply exploring spirituality and after all that time still have no objective answers to what might be true when it comes to understanding the age old mystery: "Is there something more than just us? Is there a higher power?" I can't say definitively if there is or isn't, but I can say that throughout my life I have felt a presence with me sending me messages when I was most alone and most in need of inspiration.
When I was a child I understood this presence to be a guardian angel. I would pray to her whenever I felt afraid. When I was abused, I would imagine that she was with me holding my hand. As I grew older, I understood this presence to be the person of Jesus, who would support me like a friend, counsel me like a therapist, and console me like a lover. As I grew even older, I came to understand that this presence is the deepest, wisest part of who I am.
I don't know that I believe in God in the most traditional sense, but I do believe in an energy that wants the best for me. If my brain and body are wired to survive, I am confident that another part of me is wired to thrive. This part encourages me to simply show up to life, receive the messages available to me everyday, and evolve into the best, most beautiful person I can be. She is great and I am learning to become her.