I was suspended. Under my feet was a piece of metal rope, at my hands another. I held on tight and balanced, while moving the carabiner attached to my harness left as I took each tiny step. I was shaking, crying, terrified. I didn't expect this transition. I was in Peru with an old friend. We had signed up for a rock climbing and zip lining adventure. The guides didn't warn us in advance about this part: this part where I would be walking on a wire, holding another, and traversing between two mountains.
I got to the center of the wire, relaxed for a brief moment, glanced up from my feet, and became instantly aware of the beauty around me. I was in Peru on a free-for-now vacation (my friend was footing the bill until I could repay him), overlooking the Sacred Valley, standing thousands of feet above the ground. I was attached to a small, but strong piece of metal being supported by another strong piece of metal. Barely hanging on, I took a deep breath and felt free, felt alive, felt grateful.
In the last few months, I have encountered another unexpected transition. The stress required to fulfill the responsibilities at my last job began to negatively impact my health. I tried my hardest to apply for other roles, while still working, but couldn't find the time or the energy to appropriately do so. So, I quit. I quit with no extra money. I took a risk, I let myself be suspended, hanging from a financial wire. In the last few months, I have been shaking, I have been crying, I have felt terrified. But, when I have taken moments to look up, I have felt like I did suspended between those two mountains in Peru: I have been overwhelmed with the beauty of my life.
It can be really challenging for survivors of sexual abuse to find professional and financial security. Not having control over one's environment can cause a variety of triggers, colleagues who one doesn't get to choose can cause a variety of triggers, feeling overtly responsible without the appropriate resources can cause a variety of triggers. Simultaneously, the cost of mental healthcare is so expensive, that any left over money at the end of the month goes to therapy. I personally have spent over $60,000 in the last six years of my life on health recovery. This constant instability can be terrifying. Â
What's more terrifying, however, is staying. The instability of trying to make my life work independently is much safer than the stability of the abusive environment. The instability of this job transition is much more manageable than the stress of staying with my last employer. All of the challenges of this transition are justified, but when I just let myself take a moment to look up, I realize that I'm so free, so alive, and so grateful.
In the last few months, I have had the opportunity to interview with almost every type company in the design industry: fashion, advertising, residential interiors, and commercial leadership. In the last few months, I have been held up by my community: I have been employed to care for children, to manufacture product, to rent out other products, to drive people around. My community has sustained me and I them in this transition. In the last few months, I have taken walks on the beach under the Golden Gate Bridge while drinking my Philz coffee that I bought from the truck that shows up three blocks from my apartment on Saturday mornings. It literally doesn't get much better than that.
In Chinese Medicine, there is a belief that autumn is a time of letting go. It is one of the year's most important transitions. Like the trees shed their leaves, we too need to shed parts of our lives and ourselves that no longer suit us so that we can prepare for new and better springs. I haven't yet encountered what my new beginning is going to be. But for now, I'm suspended between the two mountains of my past and my future. I'm shaking, crying, and terrified, but also breathing in the beauty that I'm not where I was and that where I am is pretty fantastic. Although I don't know where I'm going to be, I'm free to explore my options, I'm supported by a network of attached community members committed to my success, and surrounded by the beauty of my life. Although it is fall and time to let go, I am confident that I will not fall. I will make it out of this transition and onto that other mountain, just like I did in Peru, tiny step by tiny step.