It took me two weeks to face my fear and do it. It was raining and I had nothing else to do. It was time to begin. I grabbed my wallet, chap stick, and keys, set up my car, and pulled out of my garage. I went "online" and waited anxiously for my first ping. It happened almost immediately. "Tap to accept Carla." I accepted. I pulled up to the curb, unlocked my car doors, and invited a stranger into my car. "Hi, Carla!" I pronounced with a fake smile, "I'm Anne, your Uber driver."
Welcoming strangers into a confined space with me was not something I was excited about. As a sexual abuse survivor, the more primitive part of my brain responsible for the flight and fight response was going berzerk, "What do you think you're doing?! You don't know these people! You can't trust them! You're not safe." This part of my brain has been on overdrive for my entire life. Understandably so. So, I have had to work hard to remind it that I'm OK now, that I am safe and in control. I did just that this one rainy Friday morning, while crossing my fingers that my experience with Uber would confirm my instincts: I would indeed be OK.
Well, I have been more than OK, Ubering has been GREAT! I am into my third week of driving and have driven over 100 passengers. All have been kind, encouraging, and surprisingly inspirational. I have had meaningful conversations about career changes, chasing dreams, and even this blog! I have been given business cards and encouraged to apply to job openings. I have sat quietly and simply helped someone arrive at their next destination. It has been a great job to manage this career transition. I'm so proud of myself for pushing past my fears and trusting myself to try something new.
Trusting oneself and others can be a great challenge for those of us who have been abused.
My leadership coach in my last job encouraged me to see this as one of my greatest strengths. I am very self-reflective which has led to an extreme amount of growth in a short period of time. Additionally, I am extremely discerning about who I allow into my life, so I am surrounded by really good people.
Building trust with myself has taken a lifetime of active listening. I have learned to be very honest with myself about what I need and to communicate those needs to my community. I have gained so many beautiful friendships of people who are willing to accompany me on my journey. When I reflect upon thriving relationships throughout my life, I am reminded that trust is a process developed through honest communication, similar interests, and mutual effort. If at some point conflict arises, I hope that it can be mended through a common expression of feelings and a mutual understanding and sensitivity to each other's needs. If the conflict can't be mended, then I am reminded that I have a choice. I can choose to stay or to leave the relationship.
Trust, safety, control, and choice are all unavailable in abusive environments. I couldn't trust the people I was surrounded by, they were not in control, I was not safe, and I couldn't leave. This is no longer the environment that I am in. Now, I am responsible for surrounding myself with people who I can trust, who I am safe with, who I can share control with, and who respect my choices. If someone's behavior changes who I trusted previously, then I am responsible for reconsidering the future of the relationship and finding other relationships that will nourish me.
Unlike my friendships, I don't get to choose who I pick up as an Uber driver. It's very possible that at some point I will have an uncomfortable ride with someone who makes me feel unsafe. But I trust myself to utilize my own boundaries and the resources that the company provides to keep me safe. I trust that I will be OK. I trust that if anything bad happens that I will recover because experience has taught me that I'm pretty damn good at that. Lastly, I trust that I will have an incredibly supportive community who will support me through the process just like they have through trauma recovery.