"Annie, explore your truth, for it will set you free." These wise words were offered to me by my therapist when my memories of sexual abuse first resurfaced. I had just told her the truth that I had been seeking for years: I had been sexually abused by my father, my uncle, and my grandfather; I had repressed the memories until this moment; my body and brain had shut down from the pain. I came to learn that sexual abuse was contagious throughout the generations of my family system. The more I discussed it, the more I discovered the prominence of the pain and the inability of anyone to do anything about it. With my memories, I had the information that I needed to heal; I had the information that I needed to break the cycle of violence in my family. For the next 10 years, I explored this truth until I uncovered a much more beautiful one, a much more contagious one.Â
It is true that I was abused for most of my childhood and young adult life. It is true that I internalized this abuse as my fault. It is true that I took responsibility for the pain of my community and tried desperately to fix it. It is true that I developed a harsh worldview where people and places weren't safe. It is true that I hated myself, my life, and anyone who reminded me of where I came from. My life has been one of violence, of greed, and of selfishness. My family name given to me at birth is "Markel." Its roots are from a German word that relate to Mars, the God of War. It is true that this name was appropriate for these years of my life and for the reality of my family system.
It is also true that I have been loved unconditionally since the day I was born. I have been blessed to have a very intimate spiritual life from a young age, with which I understood that those who died before me loved me in ways that those who lived around me were incapable of: Jesus, Mary, the Communion of Saints- all the good ones tasked to love me for all of eternity. It is also true that I have had intimate friendships that have lasted my lifetime. From childhood, to high school, to university, to work, I have collected and maintained relationships that have taught me how to love myself, how to let go of the responsibility and fault that wasn't mine, and how to hold others accountable for their actions so that I could remain safe. It is also true that I have born witness to how love can change the world for the better, can transform violence into vitality, greed into giving, and selfishness into service. It is also true that I have experienced a great amount of peace. Lauren, the surname that I gave myself when I left my family, stems from the Laurel leaf which was used to create wreaths for victors in ancient Rome and then adopted by the early Christian communities to represent resurrection. It is also true that I will carry this name and the reality that it represents into the rest of my years.
The truth is that my life began in war. The truth is that my life has become a stage of victory and a place of peace. I admit that letting go of the fight has been the hardest part of my healing process. The brain is wired to survive through victimization: I forgot what happened to me in order to cope with the trauma. During recovery, I had to relive every memory and learn to love and to nurture myself so that I could heal. I knew that I would get through it because I had survived it once before. Let me tell you though, thriving is a completely new challenge.
Allowing myself the freedom to live in my new truth has felt nearly impossible. Although my life of war wasn't preferred, I had mastered it: I had years of practice coping and managing the pain, the people, and the purpose forced upon me. It was never safe, but became sickly comfortable.
Today, I am safe, I am healthy, and I am happy and I admit to feeling very confused. What will life look like living from this truth? I don't know yet, but I'm starting to taste it and let me tell you, it is sweet. Friends are inviting me to live with them all around the world, I am being applauded for sharing my truth both of war and of peace with my community, I am learning to live in a body that feels new and revitalized, I am encountering love and beauty wherever I go.
I don't know yet where my truth will lead me, but somehow I have a great trust that it will continue to set me free. I hope that my freedom is contagious. I hope that if you don't already have it, that you catch it and quick.
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Photo credits:
1. Truth